An Imagined Conversation Between the Characters in Go Set a Watchman

[Interior, Henry's car]
HENRY: Hi Scout, I'm going to drive you to your childhood home in Alabama.
SCOUT: Thank you. I'm going to be weirdly bitchy to and about you this whole time.
HENRY: Why?
SCOUT: I'm not sure, but you still want to marry me because you were my brother's friend or something.
HENRY: Weird. OK, here you are, the home America fell in love with back in Mockingbird.
SCOUT: I'm sure this will be fine. Byeeee!

[Atticus' house]
ATTICUS: Scout! Hi! Are you an asshole from living in a big city, now?
SCOUT: I guess that's for you to decide, dad! Are you super racist in this weird future?
ATTICUS: Well first of all, I don't now if we can really call this a true future, as the verdict in the case featured in Mockingbird is different an--
SCOUT:-- Just answer the question!
ATTICUS: Yup! I sure am.
SCOUT: How bad are we talking?
ATTICUS: Well, I'm on a board of old white guys who try actively to prevent the advancement of black rights.
SCOUT: Holy shit.
ATTICUS: Yeah.
SCOUT:...
ATTICUS: But I do it for their own good.
SCOUT: Yeah, that's not a thing.
ATTICUS: Well, are YOU racist?
SCOUT: You know, weirdly, I kind of am! I'm not like you or anything, but I make a pretty big point of making it clear that I wouldn't want to run of and "Marry One" or anything.
ATTICUS: Hm.
SCOUT: Yeah.
ATTICUS: So, if you're being presented in 2015...
SCOUT: Right. Should I go see Cal?
ATTICUS: Well, given my activities, I'd say no.
SCOUT: I'ma go see Cal.

[Calpurnia's shack on the black side of Maycomb]
CALPURNIA: Girl, you better get the fu--
SCOUT: Oh, Cal!
CALPURNIA: You know what your daddy's up to?
SCOUT: Oh, please, Calpurnia! I just need to know if you hated us.
CALPURNIA: Well, then... no?
SCOUT: K, Byeeee!

[Atticus' house]
SCOUT: Calpurnia totally hated us.
ATTICUS: Probably.
SCOUT: Which really sucks because a lot of people considered her my mother figure until literally just now.
ATTICUS: Bummer.
SCOUT: Maycomb kind of sucks now.
ATTICUS: Where's your brother?
SCOUT: Dead.
ATTICUS: Oh shit. How about Dill?
SCOUT: No idea. There's actually no reason at all to bring him into this book, but I will anyway.
ATTICUS: So, no endearing childhood shenanigans?
SCOUT: There actually is one flashback that is pretty great and gives you a glimpse into what one day would become a beloved American novel.
ATTICUS: Well, that's nice, at least. Hey, is your weird uncle around?
SCOUT: Holy shit, yes. Let's see, how do I put this? Imagine if mid-breakdown Franny from Franny and Zooey argued with a hyper-philosophical Southern version of The Riddler about race for 40 pages.
ATTICUS: Oh god.
SCOUT: Yeah, it's a mess.
ATTICUS: Well, at least the story moves quickly, right?
SCOUT: Welllll, unfortunately there are pages and pages of expository that don't advance the plot, some of which are repeated nearly word-for-word.
ATTICUS: Oh, Jesus Christ.
SCOUT: Yeah, it gets rough.

WEIRD UNCLE: May I chime in here to say I really enjoyed this book?
SCOUT: That's just because you got to talk for pages on end; go away forever.
WEIRD UNCLE: K, byeeee!

ATTICUS: So, does anyone here think Harper actually wanted this book to get published?
EVERYONE BUT SCOUT: NO!
SCOUT: Well...
ATTICUS: Oh, come off it, Scout.
SCOUT: As the least racist Finch, I feel I should at least present the possibility that Harper Lee regretted putting forward a white-washed version of the Jim Crow South for all these years, and she wanted Watchman to come out because it is more true.
ATTICUS: Fine, if I concede that this is a slight possibility, can we all go to bed?
SCOUT: Sure.
ATTICUS: Ok, so what have we learned?
SCOUT: That editors are the most important people in the world.

ATTICUS: OK, bye!
SCOUT: Byeeee!
CALPURNIA: Get away from me.
WEIRD UNCLE: If I could insert myself here--
SCOUT:--NO!
HENRY: Everyone forgot I was here, but bye.