Three Things I've Learned From Three Years of Marriage

Today marks the three year anniversary of the day I married my wonderful, devoted husband, Tony. I know that three years doesn't exactly make me a marriage expert and that we have a long road ahead of us, but at this point, I feel that I have properly adjusted my mindset to the married life enough to shed some insight on what changes when one takes the plunge. Here are the three biggest, most important things I have learned over the past three beautiful years:

1. You can't keep score.

Balance and fairness are important elements of any successful relationship. If one person is carrying too much of the burden, whether emotional, financial, domestic, etc, resentments can arise. As in any situation where two people live together, there is a lot of responsibility to divvy up in a marriage. A couple owes it to themselves not to allow the stresses of this balance to lower them to a point where they are writing passive aggressive notes to their spouses like some college roommates on a Buzzfeed list.

My husband works three jobs (a 9-5, a high-demand part-time, and an occasional bar job), while I work freelance/part-time/sometimes. I stay home and bear the brunt of the childcare burden, as well as most of the domestic responsibilities. Sometimes I hate doing the dishes (and often Tony volunteers to do them because he's the best), but it wouldn't be fair for me to ask him to do the dishes as often as I do the dishes, just as it wouldn't be reasonable for him to ask me to work the hours he works. It would be nonsensical for me to try to figure out how many loads of laundry equals one drive across the Causeway to tutor a GMAT student. As long as each half of the couple is contributing in earnest and appreciating the contributions of the other, scorekeeping is unnecessary. With all eyes towards a happy, well-provided-for (financially and otherwise) household, balance can be achieved.

2. Unlearn the phrase, "If this doesn't work out..."

We all want to be The Notebook minus Alzheimer's. If you don't want to be The Notebook minus Alzheimer's when you get old, I don't know why you would get married to begin with. To me, marriage means forever, no takesy backsies. That said, we're basically all children of divorce, and we're all well aware that not all (or even most) marriages will be successful. Even so, it is the responsibility of a married person to love and invest in their relationship as if it will never end. Spending time worrying about what happens next if things go south inherently takes away from a marriage. If you don't give all of yourself emotionally and mentally to your relationship, and it goes bad, whose fault might that be?

3. You cannot overestimate your capacity to love.

The first time I fell in love, I had never experienced a feeling so intense before. The day I got married, I didn't think I could possibly love that man any more. The first time I held my child, my heart nearly burst with a kind of love I didn't even know existed (a cliche, but for a reason). The point is, any time you think you have reached love capacity in your life, you are probably wrong. The love I have for my husband grows deeper and more complex as we age and carve out our happy little part of the world together. I don't know how much deeper it goes, but I'm not willing to put an imaginary cap on it, because I believe that love is infinite and evolving, and I can't wait to see what lies ahead.

A Guy's Guide to Laying That Hot Bartender

I have run across several articles in men's magazines and similar, er, "developmentally challenged" publications that list the top five (or ten or whatever) most exclusive kinds of girls to bed. Let's ignore the ridiculousness of that premise and just move on to the part I want to talk about. Without fail, female bartenders always appear on these lists. As a lady who pours drinks for money, this makes me think.

Look, first things first: Bartender chicks, as a rule, are not hard to sleep with. I'm sorry, but these girls aren't nuns. They are typically girls who liked to hang out in bars so much they decided to get paid for it. Let's call a spade a spade.

That being said, it is really, really easy to completely destroy your chances with any bartender in one move. So, with the input of other lady bartenders I know, I have compiled a guide to help you fellows lay that hottie bartender you've been drunkenly lusting after.

1. Stop getting so goddam hammered.
I know you go to the bar to have some drinks and unwind, and your bartender knows that, too. She obviously wants you to drink because she wants you to pay her. She gets the deal. However, chances are that your sexy drink slinger is relatively sober. I don't know if you know this, but dealing with obliterated people when you are sober SUCKS. It it not fun or funny or anything but 100% sucky. So be less drunk than the other guys in the bar.

If your bartender is as hot as you think she is, a lot of guys are hitting on her on any given night. You have competition. If the other dudes are slurring and you're not, you've got a leg up. See how that works?

2. Don't be a pain in the ass.
Decide what you want to drink and stick with it. Make it something simple like a beer or a manly mixed drink. If you want shots, make sure you know how many you need before you fucking order. Don't ever, ever, ever give her shit about prices. This is common sense.

This gets a little bit more complicated when your bartender starts reciprocating your attentions. As much as you might want to, do not use this as an excuse to turn into a pain in the ass. Just because she flirted back does not mean you now get to monopolize her time. It does not mean you need to make her make a round of shots for just the two of you every 3 minutes. She still has a job to do, and if you fuck it up, you're out. Also, for the love of God, if she says she doesn't want to take a shot with you, don't pressure her! She knows she is at work, and she knows her limits, and let it go already!

3. Tip. Tip early and often.
Bartenders live and die by tips. You are not going to gain any favor by being a cheapskate. If you are paying cash, tip every round. A lot of times we hear, "Oh, I'm gonna tip you fat at the end of the night." While this may be true, your bartender does not know you or if you're a liar or what your definition of "fat" is. Meanwhile, some other schmuck is dropping cash on her every time he buys a drink.

If you are running a tab, run it up early. Start with a big order. Make sure she knows this is going to be a decent sized tab that may warrant a sizable tip. This may all sound like buying into your bartender's good graces, and it is to some extent. However, girls in general don't like cheap guys. They like presents, and presents require a man to separate himself from his hard-earned dollars.

If that turns you off, think about it this way; If your bartender thinks that you don't value her time at work, why should she think you would value her time in any other capacity?

4. Don't over flatter.
Dudes tell this girl all night how pretty/hot/sexy she is. It's all just noise. If you feel the need to compliment, at least be original. For instance, many girls respond favorably to compliments about their work. Everyone likes to be perceived as competent. Instead of telling your girl how fine she is, look her in the eye and say, "It's pretty packed in here, but you're working it out, girl." Say exactly that, but change all of the words to make it sound less like the gay sidekick in a movie.

5. Stay up late
Look, part of the reason bartenders are more difficult to sleep with than normal, daywalking human beings is that they work so freaking late. They don't get off when the bar closes; they typically have all kinds of terrible, exhausting nonsense to do after everyone else has tied a few on and gone to bed. You need to stay up late, and you need to do it without getting so drunk you either turn her off or render your dick useless. Not an easy task.

Obviously, different girls and bars etc. call for different game plans. In a perfect world, though, this is how it goes down. You show up halfway through the night looking hot and sober while half the competition is already sloppy and annoying. You have several but not dozens of drinks while building a rapport with your bartender. After she has responded and you have tipped her "fat", an exchange of numbers occurs. Then you make sure she knows you are going out and will be staying out late, and you GTFO.

Do not be the reason she cannot close as early as she would like. Do not try to hang out while she closes and wait for her. She doesn't know you like that and you're going to be in the way, and it will be awkward. Just let the girl know you'll be downtown/uptown/at a house party/whatever, tell her you'd like to hear from her, and go. Desperation is yucky and other social engagements make you seem cool. I promise this is your best shot. If some other douche ends up hanging out all night and making her drive him home and somehow gets it in, well, that's life.


Now go get 'em, tigers.