A Letter to the Adult Version of My One Year Old Son

Dear Charles,
     As I write this, you are 17 months old, you have 12 teeth, and you are covered in bruises because you refuse to accept your physical limitations. I think you will have grown up to be a brave man, and that makes me glad.
     I believe that some degree of bravery is necessary in any life. Everyone has to face challenges throughout his life that are much more easily overcome with a bit of tenacity and the unwillingness to back down. I hope that any obstacles you have encountered so far, you have stood face to face with and stared down. I further hope that you have done so with class, respect, and a bit of panache.
     Every generation worries that their children will have it harder than they did while striving to make the opposite true. My generation is just now taking the reins on many issues all over the world, and I am hopeful that we can steer this crazy planet in the right direction. I will do my best to make sure we do not fail you, but I fear there is only so much I can do.
    You were born almost ten years after the largest terrorist attack in American History, an event that occurred on September 11, 2001, which is a day that changed everything and nothing at the same time. I still woke up the next day and attended tenth grade. I still rode my horses and fought with your Uncle Ben and giggled about the boys in high school. But the world had changed, and it continues to change today.
    I am thinking about this on this particular day because today is the 68th Anniversary of D-Day. D-Day was a crucial turning point in a war that clearly pitted the forces of good and freedom against the forces of evil. It was a war that encompassed two continents and took millions of lives and broke an unfathomable number of hearts. Still, it was a war with clear moral purpose. Thus did the Greatest Generation save the Planet from Hitler and certain misery.
    America is fighting a war now, too, but it is a more amorphous war than the one your great grandfathers fought. It is a war against anti-freedom ideology and theology. It has fuzzy lines and requires shaky alliances with questionable governments in the pursuit of sneaky, evil men who sometimes hide in caves. Even the smartest, bravest men and women in the world can't agree how to win this war, if it is winnable. A lot of good men have given their lives in pursuit of safety for Americans and their allies, and more will certainly do the same. We as free and good people do not have the advantage of a clearly defined enemy lining up in battlefields like those D-Day soldiers did. As I said, the world is changing.
     I fear that it will continue to change and become more complicated in your lifetime. You are growing up at a time when computers are capable of serving as weapons, not in the sense of being physically harmful, but in many other senses. Information is exchanged in milliseconds these days, sometimes when the information is not meant to change hands. Hoards of money are susceptible to electronic attack. Privacy may become a thing of the past.
    I have every confidence that your generation will adapt to these changes. You are growing up in a plugged-in world, and you will never remember a time when information was not immediately available and at the tip of your finger. Practically all of mankind (except North Korea, but I hope they have gotten it together by now) is only a button click away. It's remarkable. Still, I suspect it will create unique challenges, particularly as technology continues to march ever forward in the rest of your lifetime.
    So be brave. I'm sure the world is more complicated than ever, but let your life be simple sometimes. Find love. Don't look forward to the next big thing without enjoying what you already have. Visit your mom a lot. More than anything, take advantage of the information and opinions that are available to you. Information is power, and power changes the world. Think critically, but speak kindly, and always, always look forward.
Best of luck.

Love,
Mommy

A Girl's Guide to Surviving a Modern Halloween-Season Killer

Every girl knows how to survive a classic horror movie slasher. Don't have sex at the lake house. Don't run in heels. Don't answer the phone. Always assume THE KILLER IS IN THE HOUSE! Don't be a black man, etc.

These days, though, horror movies are hardly ever about one man killing a sexy group of teenagers. With the advent of advanced technology and the popularity of the bullying issue, movies have turned their focus to manipulative, game playing teens and killer tech gadgets.

As a result, the rules have changed. Fortunately, I have time to watch a lot of TV, and I have learned them. Now, I will teach them to you.

1. Know your friends
If you are a hot girl, and you hang out with a group of other hot girls, chances are one of you is the uber-bitchy queen bee. If this describes you, congratulations; you are the bad guy. Enjoy destroying your friends' lives.

If you are not the queen bee, make sure you know who is! This girl is going to aide other members of the community in killing you. The other members of the community will be hot, slightly older guys. They will visibly want to have sex with your popular friend, even though the age difference is borderline creepy. It will be very obvious.

Unfortunately, there is a slight chance this bitch will not help some attractive, skeezy men murder you. If this is case, she will instead manipulate you to believe someone is trying to murder her. It will be very believable because you would like to murder her. However, this is very dangerous because it will distract you from real threats.

Fortunately, the solution to both of these deadly scenarios is the same: keep the queen bee extremely drunk at all times. Help her develop crippling alcoholism. If she is super popular, she already carries a flask in her purse. Make sure it is always filled. Carry water bottles that you purport to fill with vodka. Fill them with water. Get "drunk" with the queen bee.

Drunk people suck at planning. They are especially bad at sneaking around old houses waiting to scare you. They're bad liars. I could go on and on, but trust me, just keep that girl wasted.

2. Know your enemies
A lot of people in your school hate you. If you think you are very popular, this is especially true.

You need to know who hates you most because they are involved in a sick plot to make your life Hell before quietly killing your ass.

Is there anyone who you teased relentlessly when you were younger? (Bonus points if you have ever physically crippled a peer.) How about a girl who was in love with a boy you slept with? Whose prom date did you steal? Did you beat someone out for class president even though she works much, much harder than you?

These are the kind of people who secretly plot your murder all day. Be aware of all of them. Back in the day, one of them would have snapped and begun murdering your friends one by one. These days, you do not have the luxury of that kind of predictability.

Your enemies will almost certainly team up and develop a plan to drive you crazy before they finish you off. You need to watch them like a hawk. Be especially wary of odd pairings. When people who hated each other start hanging out, and their only link is a hatred for you, prepare for the crazy, anonymous text messages to begin. Which brings us to...

3. Do not use technology
Best case scenario, technology plays into your (fri)enemies' evil plans. They use cell phones, the internet, and surveillance equipment to bring about your demise.

Worst case scenario, technology itself fucking kills you. If you hear about a movie that causes weird things to happen to anyone who watches it, don't. Never listen for ghosts in the static on your radio.

If your cellphone starts doing anything weird, never touch another phone again. Watch out for sentient cars and appliances. Do not put a high-tech panic room in a house that is already haunted. You know what? Just don't buy a high-tech house to begin with.

We all know that technology will ultimately bring about the end of the human race, but you have the tools to prevent it from killing you, now. Be smart. Be aware. Be a hermit.