I wipe black eye liner from below my lower lashes once again and begin to reapply with lightly vibrating hands. I am stalling.
Any minute now, my boyfriend, Tom, will be here to pick me up and drive us both to the wedding of two of our dear friends. I generally enjoy weddings, and especially wedding receptions, but I have come to dread the question Tom and I inevitably encounter at them. For the better part of our five year relationship, we have been asked frequently and by a wide range of acquaintances when we are going to tie the knot.
It always seemed obvious that we would eventually get engaged and then married. We are that couple that people actually enjoy being around. We rarely fight and have a notoriously good conversational rapport. We are best friends. Everything feels a little bit different since I killed a man before Tom's eyes, though.
Several weeks ago, Tom and I returned to his apartment, slightly drunk and exhausted after yet another wedding reception, to find a man rummaging through Tom's roommate's bedroom. I had entered first and was quite a bit deeper in the house when a man seized me from behind and placed something cold against my throat. A split second later, Tom walked into a terrifying scene. Our eyes met, mine huge and imploring and his going wild with the realization of what was happening, here.
Tom implored the man, as calmly as could be expected, to take what he wanted and leave. The man's reply, "What if I want your bitch?" was not well received. Tom suddenly lurched towards my captor, who shifted to block him while attempting to hold onto me, around the neck. He loosened his grip enough for me to shift though, and my hand darted into my purse and emerged with a three inch switch blade I always carry out of habit. I stabbed the intruder once in the side and again in the neck after he released me.
He fell to the floor and quickly bled to death. Tom, with surprisingly steady hands, called 911.
These events-- not just the intruder/killing incident, but the ensuing, seemingly endless police questioning-- would have been unthinkable just a month ago. The police originally seemed to suspect that Tom had actually stabbed the man and that I was covering for him, probably because he had a previous assault conviction. That charge stemmed from a bar fight years ago, and does not reflect Tom's general demeanor in the least. Still, our repetitive, identical, united police statements brought us closer somehow. We were a team.
And yet, when I look in Tom's eyes now, I see something different than what was there before I killed that guy. I'm not sure I see my husband anymore. I see my warrior partner, or something like that, and I think he might see the same.
I don't know how I would feel watching Tom end another man's life. I'm sure it would be frightening and upsetting and all kinds of disturbing, but that doesn't mean it wouldn't kind of turn me on. So, I don't know if Tom wants to marry me anymore, but I'm damn sure he wants to fuck me.
As I finally get the thin, black line under my left eye just right, I find myself hoping we can find a quiet nook in the reception hall where we can make out and rub desperately against each other periodically, until we have put in enough time at the reception to reasonably leave. Go back to his place, beating his roommates home so that we can make love with the door open, in plain view of the place where the bloody body fell.
About Me
- Julia P.
- New Orleans, La, United States
- I like to write about the things in this world that excite, anger, and inspire me.
Friday, February 11, 2011
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
Dave Eggers, Self-aware literature, and Where to draw the line
In the year 2000, one of my favorite authors, Dave Eggers, stormed onto the popular literary scene with his memoir, "A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius". The book is a memoir in the most unique and exciting sense of the word: an account of Eggers' young adulthood spent raising his much younger brother after the untimely death of both his parents. This tale is snarled together with a manic, who-knows-how-much-is-true, typically GenX tale of anger, loss, art, and the much-resisted fading of one's youth, written with atypical grace, passion, and understanding of his audience's tolerance levels.
It is a book that is keenly aware of its reader and even more fully aware of its author. It is not disguised in a novel's clothes, nor presented in a sequential and dry manner as so many memoirs tend to be. "A Heartbreaking Work..." became a Pulitzer finalist for its utter disregard for literary constraints, its poetic and often furious structure, and the violent language and sometimes sickening imagery that make it so vibrant. The memoir also opened doors in terms of structure, shattering the confines of "what makes a memoir."
Some authors and literary critics-- Chuck Klosterman, for example-- have credited Eggers with creating and/or gaining acceptance for the "self-aware memoir". He proved that a book need not pretend it has no creator nor reader in order to be valuable. The acknowledgment of audience and/or author tended to be gimmicks reserved for "lesser" forms of literature- children's books, mysteries, etc. "A Heartbreaking Work..." blew that out of the water. And it did so with such energy, heart, and creativity that not many people seemed to mind.
Skip ahead four years to Eggers' publication of a collection of short stories, titled "How We Are Hungry". One of the stories in this collection is called "Notes for a Story of a Man Who Will Not Die Alone", and it is just that; an "inside look", so to speak, at Eggers' presumed creative process when writing short stories. It is not the story itself, but notes about the character's life, characteristics, motivations, and actions as well as a general idea of the plot. In this way, the reader experiences the story, but also gets a behind-the-scenes look at where the story comes from. The question of how Eggers develops his-- often brilliant-- short fiction is answered. Or is it?
It is unclear whether this "story" is an actual excerpt from the author's notes or a cleverly constructed fake-out intended to give the audience a glimpse at near-reality. It is like trying to determine if a great artist's "unfinished" canvas is truly a work that was abandoned half way through or a doctored, scrutinized underpainting fully ready for public consumption.
Before the release of this story, slews of authors tried to give readers a peek into the creative process behind writing fiction. Usually, this was done through characters who were themselves writers. My favorite example is Michael Chabon's "Wonderboys", a novel about an aging, washed up novelist/professor struggling to complete a new book. It is a touching story that provides insight into the madness that many authors struggle with. It also lovingly describes the way that a writer's process is never fully turned off, depicting the novel's characters sitting in a diner, joyfully and in great detail making up back stories and character flaws for all of their fellow patrons.
This scene is essentially the same thing that Eggers produced when he wrote "Notes for a Story of a Man Who Will Not Die Alone": an affectionate and possibly honest expose of the inner workings of the author's craft.
Still, I think it is easy to argue that Chabon's characters' antics are more valuable and valid than Eggers' revealing short story. There is a fine line between self-awareness and self-indulgence. Publishing something that, whether true or not, comes off as a few scribbled pages in your "concept notebook" may just qualify as the latter.
It is a book that is keenly aware of its reader and even more fully aware of its author. It is not disguised in a novel's clothes, nor presented in a sequential and dry manner as so many memoirs tend to be. "A Heartbreaking Work..." became a Pulitzer finalist for its utter disregard for literary constraints, its poetic and often furious structure, and the violent language and sometimes sickening imagery that make it so vibrant. The memoir also opened doors in terms of structure, shattering the confines of "what makes a memoir."
Some authors and literary critics-- Chuck Klosterman, for example-- have credited Eggers with creating and/or gaining acceptance for the "self-aware memoir". He proved that a book need not pretend it has no creator nor reader in order to be valuable. The acknowledgment of audience and/or author tended to be gimmicks reserved for "lesser" forms of literature- children's books, mysteries, etc. "A Heartbreaking Work..." blew that out of the water. And it did so with such energy, heart, and creativity that not many people seemed to mind.
Skip ahead four years to Eggers' publication of a collection of short stories, titled "How We Are Hungry". One of the stories in this collection is called "Notes for a Story of a Man Who Will Not Die Alone", and it is just that; an "inside look", so to speak, at Eggers' presumed creative process when writing short stories. It is not the story itself, but notes about the character's life, characteristics, motivations, and actions as well as a general idea of the plot. In this way, the reader experiences the story, but also gets a behind-the-scenes look at where the story comes from. The question of how Eggers develops his-- often brilliant-- short fiction is answered. Or is it?
It is unclear whether this "story" is an actual excerpt from the author's notes or a cleverly constructed fake-out intended to give the audience a glimpse at near-reality. It is like trying to determine if a great artist's "unfinished" canvas is truly a work that was abandoned half way through or a doctored, scrutinized underpainting fully ready for public consumption.
Before the release of this story, slews of authors tried to give readers a peek into the creative process behind writing fiction. Usually, this was done through characters who were themselves writers. My favorite example is Michael Chabon's "Wonderboys", a novel about an aging, washed up novelist/professor struggling to complete a new book. It is a touching story that provides insight into the madness that many authors struggle with. It also lovingly describes the way that a writer's process is never fully turned off, depicting the novel's characters sitting in a diner, joyfully and in great detail making up back stories and character flaws for all of their fellow patrons.
This scene is essentially the same thing that Eggers produced when he wrote "Notes for a Story of a Man Who Will Not Die Alone": an affectionate and possibly honest expose of the inner workings of the author's craft.
Still, I think it is easy to argue that Chabon's characters' antics are more valuable and valid than Eggers' revealing short story. There is a fine line between self-awareness and self-indulgence. Publishing something that, whether true or not, comes off as a few scribbled pages in your "concept notebook" may just qualify as the latter.
Sunday, February 6, 2011
My Trial-and-Error Stuffed King Cake Recipe
You will need
FOR DOUGH (this makes enough for two)
1 envelope dry yeast
1/4 cup warm water
1/2 cup milk
1 cup butter
1/2 cup sugar
5 egg yolks
4 cups flour
FOR FILLING (x2 if desired)
8 oz cream cheese
1/4 cup sugar
1 tsp vanilla extract
1 egg yolk
1ish tbsp milk
FOR GLAZE
1/4 cup butter
1 cup confectioner's sugar
1 to 2 tbsp milk
OTHER
cinnamon/sugar blend
sprinkles/colored sugar crystals/whatever other decoratives
uncooked bean, pecan, or plastic baby
OK, HERE WE GO
1. Make your dough:
Combine yeast, warm water, 1 tsp flour and 1 tsp sugar. Set aside in a warm place until other ingredients are mixed. Yeast should show signs of life by this time.
Boil milk, stir in butter and sugar. Remove from heat and pour in bowl. Wait for steam to stop rising. Beat in yeast and egg yolks. Beat in 2 cups of flour and continue to add until the dough forms a ball. Knead for 10 mins or so, or until elastic. (Add more flour while kneading if stickiness persists.)
Grease a bowl well, and turn the ball of dough in the bowl a couple times. Set the dough, in the bowl and covered with a cloth, in a warm place until it has doubled in size (1.5 to 2 hours)
Pat down the risen dough, cover with a wet cloth, plastic wrap on top of the cloth, and leave in refrigerator overnight.
2. Prepare your dough (next day)
Remove 1/2 dough from fridge with floured hands, and roll it into a 24-30 inch "snake" on a well-floured surface. With a floured rolling pin, roll your snake into a 6" by 30" rectangle.
3. Stuff that bitch!
Combine cream cheese, sugar, vanilla, egg yolk, and milk for filling, until smooth. (Save the white from the egg)
Brush a line of egg white down the middle of your dough rectangle, and sprinkle generously with cinnamon sugar.
Spoon your filling along the length of the dough, on top of the cinnamon sugar. Fold one edge of the rectangle over to cover the filling, brush the top with egg wash. Brush the inside of the other edge with egg wash, and fold this on top of the first edge. You should now have a long tube of dough with filling inside and a seam on top.
4. Bake
Butter a cookie sheet. Transfer your dough tube, seam down, onto this sheet and form a circle, pinching the ends together.
Place this cookie sheet, covered by a cloth, in a warm place until the dough has doubled in bulk. Poke several small holes in the top of the dough.
Bake at 350 degrees for 25-30 mins or until golden brown. Remove and cool.
5. Double Stuff! (optional but totes recommended)
Mix up another batch of the cream cheese filling (may need more milk for slightly thinner results) and inject filling into the center of the cooked dough at strategic intervals. Our Cajun injector worked nicely.
6. Finish
Melt 1/4 cup butter on the stove, stir in 1 cup conf. sugar and enough milk to make a gel-like texture. Spoon this glaze on top of the cake. Finish with sprinkles, etc.
Push your bean, pecan, or plastic baby through the bottom of the cake and remember where you put it so you don't have to make the next one of these pains in the ass.
FOR DOUGH (this makes enough for two)
1 envelope dry yeast
1/4 cup warm water
1/2 cup milk
1 cup butter
1/2 cup sugar
5 egg yolks
4 cups flour
FOR FILLING (x2 if desired)
8 oz cream cheese
1/4 cup sugar
1 tsp vanilla extract
1 egg yolk
1ish tbsp milk
FOR GLAZE
1/4 cup butter
1 cup confectioner's sugar
1 to 2 tbsp milk
OTHER
cinnamon/sugar blend
sprinkles/colored sugar crystals/whatever other decoratives
uncooked bean, pecan, or plastic baby
OK, HERE WE GO
1. Make your dough:
Combine yeast, warm water, 1 tsp flour and 1 tsp sugar. Set aside in a warm place until other ingredients are mixed. Yeast should show signs of life by this time.
Boil milk, stir in butter and sugar. Remove from heat and pour in bowl. Wait for steam to stop rising. Beat in yeast and egg yolks. Beat in 2 cups of flour and continue to add until the dough forms a ball. Knead for 10 mins or so, or until elastic. (Add more flour while kneading if stickiness persists.)
Grease a bowl well, and turn the ball of dough in the bowl a couple times. Set the dough, in the bowl and covered with a cloth, in a warm place until it has doubled in size (1.5 to 2 hours)
Pat down the risen dough, cover with a wet cloth, plastic wrap on top of the cloth, and leave in refrigerator overnight.
2. Prepare your dough (next day)
Remove 1/2 dough from fridge with floured hands, and roll it into a 24-30 inch "snake" on a well-floured surface. With a floured rolling pin, roll your snake into a 6" by 30" rectangle.
3. Stuff that bitch!
Combine cream cheese, sugar, vanilla, egg yolk, and milk for filling, until smooth. (Save the white from the egg)
Brush a line of egg white down the middle of your dough rectangle, and sprinkle generously with cinnamon sugar.
Spoon your filling along the length of the dough, on top of the cinnamon sugar. Fold one edge of the rectangle over to cover the filling, brush the top with egg wash. Brush the inside of the other edge with egg wash, and fold this on top of the first edge. You should now have a long tube of dough with filling inside and a seam on top.
4. Bake
Butter a cookie sheet. Transfer your dough tube, seam down, onto this sheet and form a circle, pinching the ends together.
Place this cookie sheet, covered by a cloth, in a warm place until the dough has doubled in bulk. Poke several small holes in the top of the dough.
Bake at 350 degrees for 25-30 mins or until golden brown. Remove and cool.
5. Double Stuff! (optional but totes recommended)
Mix up another batch of the cream cheese filling (may need more milk for slightly thinner results) and inject filling into the center of the cooked dough at strategic intervals. Our Cajun injector worked nicely.
6. Finish
Melt 1/4 cup butter on the stove, stir in 1 cup conf. sugar and enough milk to make a gel-like texture. Spoon this glaze on top of the cake. Finish with sprinkles, etc.
Push your bean, pecan, or plastic baby through the bottom of the cake and remember where you put it so you don't have to make the next one of these pains in the ass.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)