A Guy's Guide to Laying That Hot Bartender

I have run across several articles in men's magazines and similar, er, "developmentally challenged" publications that list the top five (or ten or whatever) most exclusive kinds of girls to bed. Let's ignore the ridiculousness of that premise and just move on to the part I want to talk about. Without fail, female bartenders always appear on these lists. As a lady who pours drinks for money, this makes me think.

Look, first things first: Bartender chicks, as a rule, are not hard to sleep with. I'm sorry, but these girls aren't nuns. They are typically girls who liked to hang out in bars so much they decided to get paid for it. Let's call a spade a spade.

That being said, it is really, really easy to completely destroy your chances with any bartender in one move. So, with the input of other lady bartenders I know, I have compiled a guide to help you fellows lay that hottie bartender you've been drunkenly lusting after.

1. Stop getting so goddam hammered.
I know you go to the bar to have some drinks and unwind, and your bartender knows that, too. She obviously wants you to drink because she wants you to pay her. She gets the deal. However, chances are that your sexy drink slinger is relatively sober. I don't know if you know this, but dealing with obliterated people when you are sober SUCKS. It it not fun or funny or anything but 100% sucky. So be less drunk than the other guys in the bar.

If your bartender is as hot as you think she is, a lot of guys are hitting on her on any given night. You have competition. If the other dudes are slurring and you're not, you've got a leg up. See how that works?

2. Don't be a pain in the ass.
Decide what you want to drink and stick with it. Make it something simple like a beer or a manly mixed drink. If you want shots, make sure you know how many you need before you fucking order. Don't ever, ever, ever give her shit about prices. This is common sense.

This gets a little bit more complicated when your bartender starts reciprocating your attentions. As much as you might want to, do not use this as an excuse to turn into a pain in the ass. Just because she flirted back does not mean you now get to monopolize her time. It does not mean you need to make her make a round of shots for just the two of you every 3 minutes. She still has a job to do, and if you fuck it up, you're out. Also, for the love of God, if she says she doesn't want to take a shot with you, don't pressure her! She knows she is at work, and she knows her limits, and let it go already!

3. Tip. Tip early and often.
Bartenders live and die by tips. You are not going to gain any favor by being a cheapskate. If you are paying cash, tip every round. A lot of times we hear, "Oh, I'm gonna tip you fat at the end of the night." While this may be true, your bartender does not know you or if you're a liar or what your definition of "fat" is. Meanwhile, some other schmuck is dropping cash on her every time he buys a drink.

If you are running a tab, run it up early. Start with a big order. Make sure she knows this is going to be a decent sized tab that may warrant a sizable tip. This may all sound like buying into your bartender's good graces, and it is to some extent. However, girls in general don't like cheap guys. They like presents, and presents require a man to separate himself from his hard-earned dollars.

If that turns you off, think about it this way; If your bartender thinks that you don't value her time at work, why should she think you would value her time in any other capacity?

4. Don't over flatter.
Dudes tell this girl all night how pretty/hot/sexy she is. It's all just noise. If you feel the need to compliment, at least be original. For instance, many girls respond favorably to compliments about their work. Everyone likes to be perceived as competent. Instead of telling your girl how fine she is, look her in the eye and say, "It's pretty packed in here, but you're working it out, girl." Say exactly that, but change all of the words to make it sound less like the gay sidekick in a movie.

5. Stay up late
Look, part of the reason bartenders are more difficult to sleep with than normal, daywalking human beings is that they work so freaking late. They don't get off when the bar closes; they typically have all kinds of terrible, exhausting nonsense to do after everyone else has tied a few on and gone to bed. You need to stay up late, and you need to do it without getting so drunk you either turn her off or render your dick useless. Not an easy task.

Obviously, different girls and bars etc. call for different game plans. In a perfect world, though, this is how it goes down. You show up halfway through the night looking hot and sober while half the competition is already sloppy and annoying. You have several but not dozens of drinks while building a rapport with your bartender. After she has responded and you have tipped her "fat", an exchange of numbers occurs. Then you make sure she knows you are going out and will be staying out late, and you GTFO.

Do not be the reason she cannot close as early as she would like. Do not try to hang out while she closes and wait for her. She doesn't know you like that and you're going to be in the way, and it will be awkward. Just let the girl know you'll be downtown/uptown/at a house party/whatever, tell her you'd like to hear from her, and go. Desperation is yucky and other social engagements make you seem cool. I promise this is your best shot. If some other douche ends up hanging out all night and making her drive him home and somehow gets it in, well, that's life.


Now go get 'em, tigers.

Advertisers Hate Women (Even More Than Other People Do).

The debut Dr. Pepper 10 commercial is the most offensive thing on TV right now, bar none. Jersey folks may hate Jersey Shore and everyone may hate Basketball Wives but not as much as I hate this motherfucking commercial.

For those who have not witnessed this 20 second shit fest, let me give a brief synopsis. Two guys are riding through a stereotypical action film set in some kind of open, military style vehicle with all kinds of bad action movie bullshit happening around them. One of the men says something like, "Hey ladies, are you enjoying this? Of course you're not because this is man stuff." Then some vaguely ethnic guys get stuck in a net and the man drops the commercial's super clever catch phrase: "You can keep your romantic comedies and lady drinks; I'm good." Then, because the point that Doctor Pepper 10 is for men and men are too awesome for girl stuff has not been driven home yet, it says "Dr. Pepper 10: IT'S NOT FOR WOMEN".

Ok, breathe. Here we go.

The idea that "lady things" and feminine qualities are inferior to man stuff is one of the most pervasive and destructive in all of society. While actual servitude and inferior treatment for women have largely been weeded out of Western society, somehow this idea has not. Not when you really look at the way we communicate with each other.

One of the most insulting things one can say to a man is that he is acting like a woman. While tomboyish girls are often considered the "fun girl next door" and allowed to be sexy, feminine men are pretty much universally reviled. Even men who enjoy the company of women in non-sexual capacities tend not to like the qualities associated with women, namely emotional volatility, helplessness, and manipulative thinking/actions.

To make matter worse, most women don't even really like other women for the same reasons. The problem is, I'm not sure these qualities are actually that much more present in women than men. I know just as many women who can one-night-stand and break hearts without getting emotion involved as men. I know for a fact that women can do pretty much whatever the Hell they want, on their own, if they put their mind to it. And men frankly play just as many games as women do, and often without actually understanding the consequences, which is worse in my opinion.

Still, this idea that feminine equals weak is not going anywhere. I have even heard it argued that the reason homosexuality meets so much resistance is because the popular conception of gayness is that it feminizes one or both of the men, and we as a society just can't get down with that. I buy that 100%.

This brings us to the advertising-sucks-ass portion of the post. Women in ads, ninety percent of the time, are one of three things: Sexy, bitchy, or not present and being mocked. The rare exception to this rule is the occasional quirky-yet-funny girl like the crazy Target lady or the "Drop it Like it's Hot" awful soda girl. (I forgot the name of that soda.) Good for Target and Awful Soda. Good for them.

Everyone else, though, is guilty of perpetuating the idea that stuff for women is stupid or bad because women are stupid or bad, unless they are sexy, in which case they are sexy and stupid and probably also bad.

(Edit: The previous paragraph is way, way too general, in hindsight. "Lady stuff is bad," is unsurprisingly not the strategy used in marketing products to women, such as household goods and cosmetics. Home goods often employ the bitchy/domineering woman, who annoys me, but at least she is given some power. The beauty industry is just awful for us a gender, but we love our makeup.) Still...

Dr. Pepper is the worst offender. If you are a woman, DO NOT BUY DR. PEPPER 10. They said explicitly that it is not for you. Their product is too good for you. So let them survive off of the ten men who drink 10 calorie soda. When that doesn't work, they can choke on a big, feminine, gay dick and die.

Modern Christmas Survival Guide: Santa Edition

Christmas in America used to be simple for Santa Claus. His responsibilities were straight forward: fly around to every Christian home in the country, slide his pudgy ass down the chimney, and leave presents for the all the nice girls and boys. Naughty girls and boys got a stocking full of coal, which was really a gift to their parents for putting up with their naughtiness all year, as everything was coal-powered back in the day.

These days, the increased commercialism and political correctness in America have complicated Christmas beyond recognition. Santa has to watch his back now. So, to help him out, I am going to explain some of the new rules.

1. Merry Christmas vs. Happy Holidays
"Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night," is pretty much Santa's catchphrase. After his booming, "Ho, ho, ho!", it is the phrase most identified with Old Saint Nick. In recent years, though, the words "Merry Christmas" have come under attack from the political correctness nazis. The phrase has been labelled too exclusive and given up by many businesses and families in exchange for the bland-but-all-inclusive "Happy Holidays".

The confusing aspect to this phenomenon is that, as offended as the P.C.-types are by "Merry Christmas", it does not hold a candle to how offended the Keep-Christ-In-Christmas-types are by "Happy Holidays". The key is to figure out which of these groups one would rather offend. For a normal person like myself, it is completely appropriate to make fun of both of these groups of people, because they are all morons who are getting fired up over a benign, appropriate phrase. However, Santa has to enter these people's homes.

This decision in simple if you look at it from the right point of view. The chance that a "Happy Holidays" champion is armed is slim to none. I suspect that the people who want to include everyone in every holiday phrase are the same people who want firearms outlawed completely, at least 8 times out of 10. On the other hand, the folks who are insisting that Christ permeate every aspect of the season own a lot of guns. A LOT of guns. Side with the gun owners, Santa. Merry Christmas it up.

2. The Competitive, Suburban, Commercial Mom
Mothers and wives in commercials are crazy bitches. They are controlling, competitive, crazy bitches. They base their self worth at least partially on their ability to buy their families a ton of shit for cheap. As a result, this year they seem to have begun competing with Santa Claus. We have all seen the commercials where Santa comes down the chimney with a few nice gifts only to encounter some coupon-high suburban housewife glaring at him. She has already laid out an array of modern tech gadgets under the tree. She defies Santa to pull anything more amazing from his sack.

First of all, these hoes don't deserve your time, Santa. Don't they know you are magic? You could pull the most amazing thing anyone has ever seen from your majestic sack, you just choose not to because these bitches' kids have learned from their mothers' example and suuuuck. Just skip these houses, Santa. Delete the whole family from your list.

3. Americans want Santa to work a Lot of OTHER jobs around Christmas
Santa pops up all over the place at Christmas time. He is the jolly car salesman, the jolly furniture salesman, the jolly Coke truck driver, and so, so much more. Apparently Santa is unaware of our unemployment problem. We might think we want Santa to just take over all of our major commercial industries this time of year, but is it really the best idea? You know what is even better than seeing Santa selling cars? Putting Christmas dinner on your family's table.

It seems no one has picked up on the Santa Claus/holiday unemployment connection yet, but it is only a matter of time. Look at Barrack Obama's approval ratings, Santa. And that's not a guy who is actually stealing American jobs, he just can't seem to find a way to make more. If you want to maintain your always-high level of support, you need to back off, old man.

4. Justin Bieber
Justin Bieber made a Christmas album, and every tween girl wants it. As much as it may wrack your very soul, Santa, you have to give it to them. 10-13 year old girls are powerful. They all have twitter accounts. Did you see what twitter did to Egypt and Tunisia? Imagine what it could do to your reputation, Santa. Just become a Belieber, and Christmas will go smoothly this year.

The X Factor: A Study in Unstable Teens Under Pressure

Simon Cowell has stated unequivocally and often during this season of The X Factor that he is glad they lowered the minimum age for contestants to 12. He cites the talent of young contestants like Rachel Crow, 13; Drew, 14; Astro, 14; and Melanie Amaro, 19 as proof that this is a teenager's competition.

However, there has proven to be a somewhat cringe-inducing downside to putting oddball teenagers in a high-stakes talent competition on national television. They seem to keep having breakdowns.

First to crack was young hip-hop prodigy Astro, who was voted into the bottom two early in the competition. Astro seemed to be a young man with an overabundance of precocious confidence. In his initial audition, he pretended to scold Simon for being rude as a set up to his original song, "Stop Looking at My Mom". No one else was in on the joke, and there were several moments of stunned anger from the judges' table before everything clicked. In the end, the stunt paid off, and the judges unanimously praised the young rapper.

This cool persona remained unbroken until Astro's first appearance in the bottom two, when his youth really began to show. He walked out to his save-me song obviously upset and threatened not to perform at all before giving a lack-luster performance. When asked about his attitude, Astro first stonily avoided eye contact before tearfully explaining that he did not want to perform for an audience that did not want him. Suddenly, it was all too clear that Astro's cool, confident, and mature exterior was masking a lot of little-boy insecurities.

The next week, Astro apologized and gave a performance that kept him safe, but he was voted off after receiving the lowest number of votes during Michael Jackson week.

Next to have a bizarre break down on live TV was Miss Melanie Amaro. Melanie has been a strong contestant from the beginning due to her pitch-perfect diva voice and inoffensive demeanor. Early in the season, we were made aware of Melanie's family's history of money issues. Melanie spent some time living with her grandparents in the Virgin Islands when her parents could not take care of her.

Despite her somewhat difficult past, Melanie's personality seemed pretty muted, and she showed very little emotion. That is until rock week, when Melanie sang R.E.M.'s "Everybody Hurts". At the conclusion of her performance, with the crowd still on their feet, Melanie began thanking her mentor Simon Cowell for bringing her back in the competition after stupidly sending her home after the judges' houses round. This was a nice moment because it seemed Melanie was finally coming out of her shell, but it did not stop there.

As L.A. Reid began giving his comments, Melanie started to cry and began shouting in a previously hidden Islands accent about how she wanted to be herself. "This is the real Melanie," she cried, "This is really me." As the judges continued to try to give their feedback, Melanie continued to interrupt in her new voice to thank the judges, the audience, and anyone else who would listen, for the opportunity to compete on The X Factor. She was tearful and breathless and suddenly full of some bizarre, insuppressable energy. It was honestly difficult to watch.

I am not going to post a link to Melanie's odd transformation here because Fox is really good about getting videos down quickly. However, I suggest you search "Melanie Amaro accent" when you are done reading this. Melanie is still going strong and part of the final five in the competition.

Finally, we have little Drew. Drew charmed the judges with her Sarah-Mclachlin-gone-country voice and her sweet, creative take on current hits. She was a very strong contestant from the word go. However, as the weeks went on, Drew began to receive criticism from some of the judges for being too stagnant. Each week, she performed a slow, airy song. In time, all of the judges save Simon were practically begging for an uptempo song from her.

One week, the contestants were asked to dedicate a song to a person who had had a big impact in their lives. Drew chose her best friend Haley, whom she claimed was the only person who really understood her. Apparently, Drew often felt like an outcast and a loser at school. Haley was the girl who told Drew not to worry about what other people thought. In honor of their friendship, Drew sang Demi Lovato's "Skyscraper", a song about not letting others tear you down and a tween anti-bullying anthem. When L.A. accused Simon of picking 40-year-olds' songs for Drew, Drew spoke up, explaining in a cracking voice that the song was for anyone who has ever felt like they weren't good enough.

Fast forward to the Michael Jackson week results show, where Drew found herself in the bottom three. As a result, she would have to sing head-to-head with resident Bobby-Brown-type Marcus Canty. As soon as Drew learned that she was in the bottom, she began to cry as hard as I have ever seen anyone cry on TV. I'm talking about sobbing, snotty, tears-streaming-down-the-face crying. Also trembling.

As one might predict from all the trembling and sobbing, Drew's save-me performance was not her best. Still, I believe that the judges should have kept her around. Simon took credit for the mistakes they had made when picking songs and asked the other judges to give Drew another shot. However, the other judges all chose to save Marcus, and Drew was sent home. Upon learning this news, Drew opened up another level of waterworks. Leaning on Simon and bawling, she looked ready to fall over. When she hugged Marcus Canty in congratulations, her sobbing could be heard on his mic.

When asked for her final comments, Drew did something a little bit odd. "Jesus loves all of you," she sobbed. "That's why I'm really doing this, and now I'm going to say it." In the midst of a bawling breakdown, Drew found the guts to own up to her religious convictions.

I'm not sure where Drew got the impression that she could not talk about Jesus earlier. Perhaps it was an alienate-no-voters strategy that she and Simon came up with. Given the recent winners of similar shows (ultra-conservative Scotty McCreary, anyone?) I don't think I would have given her that advice. I'm glad she got to declare her love for JC before she went home, but all the crying was really, really hard to sit through.

So, have we learned anything? Not really. The youngest contestant, Rachel Crow, is still in the competition and as sunny as ever. Other shows, like American Idol, have had a plethora of teenage contestants without any painful moments. Still, for some reason, The X Factor has become a showcase for unbridled, hormonal emotions, and I blame all those damn kids.