Three Things I've Learned From Three Years of Marriage

Today marks the three year anniversary of the day I married my wonderful, devoted husband, Tony. I know that three years doesn't exactly make me a marriage expert and that we have a long road ahead of us, but at this point, I feel that I have properly adjusted my mindset to the married life enough to shed some insight on what changes when one takes the plunge. Here are the three biggest, most important things I have learned over the past three beautiful years:

1. You can't keep score.

Balance and fairness are important elements of any successful relationship. If one person is carrying too much of the burden, whether emotional, financial, domestic, etc, resentments can arise. As in any situation where two people live together, there is a lot of responsibility to divvy up in a marriage. A couple owes it to themselves not to allow the stresses of this balance to lower them to a point where they are writing passive aggressive notes to their spouses like some college roommates on a Buzzfeed list.

My husband works three jobs (a 9-5, a high-demand part-time, and an occasional bar job), while I work freelance/part-time/sometimes. I stay home and bear the brunt of the childcare burden, as well as most of the domestic responsibilities. Sometimes I hate doing the dishes (and often Tony volunteers to do them because he's the best), but it wouldn't be fair for me to ask him to do the dishes as often as I do the dishes, just as it wouldn't be reasonable for him to ask me to work the hours he works. It would be nonsensical for me to try to figure out how many loads of laundry equals one drive across the Causeway to tutor a GMAT student. As long as each half of the couple is contributing in earnest and appreciating the contributions of the other, scorekeeping is unnecessary. With all eyes towards a happy, well-provided-for (financially and otherwise) household, balance can be achieved.

2. Unlearn the phrase, "If this doesn't work out..."

We all want to be The Notebook minus Alzheimer's. If you don't want to be The Notebook minus Alzheimer's when you get old, I don't know why you would get married to begin with. To me, marriage means forever, no takesy backsies. That said, we're basically all children of divorce, and we're all well aware that not all (or even most) marriages will be successful. Even so, it is the responsibility of a married person to love and invest in their relationship as if it will never end. Spending time worrying about what happens next if things go south inherently takes away from a marriage. If you don't give all of yourself emotionally and mentally to your relationship, and it goes bad, whose fault might that be?

3. You cannot overestimate your capacity to love.

The first time I fell in love, I had never experienced a feeling so intense before. The day I got married, I didn't think I could possibly love that man any more. The first time I held my child, my heart nearly burst with a kind of love I didn't even know existed (a cliche, but for a reason). The point is, any time you think you have reached love capacity in your life, you are probably wrong. The love I have for my husband grows deeper and more complex as we age and carve out our happy little part of the world together. I don't know how much deeper it goes, but I'm not willing to put an imaginary cap on it, because I believe that love is infinite and evolving, and I can't wait to see what lies ahead.